A post by Yasi. Source: https://themindsjournal.com/reactive-abuse/ A very common aspect of
psychological abuse and manipulation is for the abuser to claim that the victim
is being abusive towards them. I’ve written about the abusers “victim
complex”, and “gaslighting” in this manner before. But right now I want to address
the specific scenario in which the victim snaps at the abuser. They endure and
endure, they have been told that there is nothing to react to, they have been
told they overreact to everything, so they are afraid to mention their hurt,
and confusion, and cannot acknowledge they are being abused. They endure so much for so
long, they snap. They scream at the abuser. Insult them. Maybe even throw in a
low-blow or unfair insult. They may even physically attack, although this is
very very uncommon in victims of abuse. The abuser jumps on this
reactionary outburst. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is
unstable. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is the abuser after
all. They can hold it up, and hold it against the victim for as long as they
can, and as hard as they can. They are not interested in
talking things out. They are not interested in listening to why this outburst
has happened. They have their “proof”, and that’s all they ever needed
from the victim. They get to say things like, “YOU’RE the one who
frightened ME”, and “you are an emotional time bomb” and “I have to
walk on eggshells around you”, and have the victim believe it. While the abuser is the actual
time-bomb, and the victim is frightened and walking on egg shells, but dare not
admit it or bring attention to it, or has been so deeply abused they don’t even
see it themselves. The abuser turns the roles, and paints themselves as the
victim. This leads the victim to
believe they are in fact the abusive one in the relationship. They now believe
they are violent and emotionally unstable, and may start describing themselves
as such and seeking help for these problems.
If they break away from the
abuser, they stand no chance at all against the Smear Campaign the abuser then
launches. Partially because they believe they-were-wrong. This does not mean that the
reaction was okay. It is never okay to treat another person with violence.
However, it is understandable. And it is very important to differentiate this
kind of reaction with the kind of ongoing abuse that causes it. I don’t think it’s fair to call
Reactive Abuse “abuse”, because the word implies a severe violence that
causes detriment to the mental and physical well-being of the
victim. “Reactive Abuse” almost never actually harms the true abuser it
was aimed at – in fact it is often exactly what they wanted, and only bolsters
their sense of self-righteousness and fuels their power over the victim. A good way to tell a victim who
reacted to abuse, and a psychologically abusive person creating a smear
campaign against a victim is their attitudes toward their own actions. Victims will almost always be
able to admit their own faults. They will know they reacted badly and did
wrong. This quality is actually what the abuser uses against them in the first
place to make them believe they are the ones in the wrong. Part of healing from
abuse is learning to point out which of the abusers’ behaviors are, in fact
abuse, while still acknowledging what you handled badly. (And everyone reacts
badly to things when under the extreme pressure of abuse!). Abusers will almost never admit
they have ever done anything wrong at all. Their victims will be blamed for
everything. They will hold every tiny thing against the victim, even things
they could not possibly control, or they have never tried to talk to them
about. They use social bigotries against the victim, and in their own defense.
(Especially mental illness is used in this way – they believe their own illness
excuses them from every wrongdoing, and their victims’ illness is proof they are
in the wrong). The most dangerous, most
intelligent psychologically abusive people will even try to fake being able to
admit their own mistakes. But they almost always get tripped up in the details,
by claiming “oh I handled that badly -” but following it up
with “-but only because of (something that is the victims fault after
I have experienced so much of this in my own life from my father and a sister, and even again in a recent painful relationship. It took me so many years to finally realize the core truth of it all. The pain and the emotionally healthy years lost were just so profound. But, I'm still grateful for the gifts and finally awakening to it all. It was so hard to imagine separating myself from my blood. My own father and sister! And of course so many people ask you, "won't you regret it when they're gone?" The answer is Hell No!
I'm so much more at peace with no contact. I wish them well. I'll always hope they go to their core and someday apologize. And I'll be there for them. But I'm finally at total peace not needing it for my happiness. And, it brings me such joy to be the one to break the chain of abuse in my own family. My children will never know that kind of pain from their own immediate family. This father will always fight to keep this family close and supportive of each other. It's Daddy's law! Wishing everyone health, love, and happiness.
Why is the base blue on this sofa? We say it's because everyone else puts a brown base on theirs, and our passion begins when the old rules get broken!
lead designer at Mod Life collection, I often get asked, why don't we
just do our version of what sells the most out there. My answer is
always the same. That's why furniture is not important enough! There is a
sea of the same brown couches out there! We're about putting the passion
back into relaxing and living at home.
Color changes everything! It stimulates us. It rejuvenates us, and elevates our moods. It's real simple. We believe that furniture should be and can be fun. We're designing some of the coolest places to sit on the planet!
I was a kid I dreamed about growing up and flying rockets, or at least some job
where I would get to push all kinds of cool buttons. Well, you know
what happens - the real world and destiny reveal themselves. At least I get to
push all kinds of buttons on my smart phone now!
father was a sales rep in the furniture business. As a child of the industry who
was writing messages on the chalkboard in the kitchen (right before answering
machines) for my father from retail salespeople, my destiny was set very early.
professional path started in the factories. I worked in every department from
the lumberyard to the loading dock. Then I went onto floor sales in a furniture
store. From there, I eventually became a sub-rep, a lead-rep, and finally a top
ranked VP for the largest leather furniture manufacturer in the world.
had found financial success and a really cool title. Traveled the world and
learned more about the industry than I could ever imagine. There were two
problems I discovered within all that I was learning: 1) People hate buying furniture;
2) None of my work had much to do at all with my real passion in life.
Altamura, Italy 2003
in just about every financial bracket clamor for the latest new technology,
automobile, or new gear, but not furniture! Sorry but the truth is, we as an
industry do a terrible job of exciting people. It’s been my passion for many
years now to do my little part to change that. Now I actually get to do that!
10 years ago when I ripped off my tie, and left the world of sales to follow my
true passion in creating things, the journey to the Mod Life Collection began.
Now, the mission is very simple, to break every paradigm that makes sense to
break. To follow a new vision of fun and exciting new products that people will
clamor for. We live on our couches. And yes, we do call them couches!
now the long wondrous journey has brought me to the beginning of a whole new
one. Mod Life Collection launches in less than two weeks. I can't believe it's finally here! Let's Rock!
I hear it said that the “Boy’s Club” still rules and “women need not apply,” I
feel compelled to share my experiences in this industry. It’s true, if you
walk into most showrooms in High Point during the beginning of the Furniture Market, you will find a huge group of older men in their new market ties
getting ready for the sales meetings. Soon the company leaders (mostly all men)
will get up and address the sales force. He will tell them why these
products will sell and give them the marching orders for the upcoming season.
Some of those leaders will even talk about how more women are needed in
influential positions in our industry. I’ve heard the same empty rhetoric for
30 years now! The problem is, some say it because they believe it, and some
because they think it’s the right thing to say and it makes them look more
progressive. However, they’re still saying this to a huge group of aging men.
Some in really great ties, too. But the truth is there’s no plot against
women or anyone else. The only plot is to desperately keep their jobs.
to go to the core of the problem we have to back up and understand how this
industry was built. I, myself, am a perfect example of how the industry has evolved.
I’m a pure nepotistic traveler into the wide world of furniture. My father is a
retired 50 year veteran of the industry, and he brought me in through the worm
hole called “who you know.” Here’s the dirty little secret. In the
good ole days, you didn’t have to possess the truly applicable talent nor
education to make a lot of money in the furniture business. You needed to have
a father in it! Then you needed to learn to talk the talk and take the right
people to lunch without saying something stupid. And to this day, the same crop
of individuals cultivated over the decades is still in many of the same
positions. The only difference now is they are holding on for dear life! So few
are there because of their training or deep connection to what really applies
to today’s home or the real consumers’ design sensibilities.
the industry please listen carefully. You are the primary consumers of our
products. These jobs are there for your taking! The “Boys Club” is weak.
Actually, it doesn’t really even exist at all. A club implies organization and
a team working together for a cause. Trust me, most of their wives still pick
their ties! They can’t compete with you head to head. You got this! The biggest
obstacle today is the fear, insecurity, and the misunderstandings stemming from
the years of the smoke and mirror show perfection.
reality is, the industry is ripe for takeover on every level. And, it has to be
on every single level. If we really look around, there are some amazing
bright spots and real progress is happening. Take a look at Meredith Younger at
Younger Furniture. She’s leading a great upholstery company and she’s kicking
ass and taking names! Watch Julia Rosien leading the charge at Restonic.
Take a look at “Mod Mom” Kiersten Parsons, founder of Mod Mom Furniture.
She went into her garage and taught herself carpentry (another traditional “man
job”) and starting building furniture by hand. She’s now blazing a path for all
women from the sawdust on her garage floor, to an internationally known brand
that connects deeply and directly with how our consumers live.
with the obstacles to women (and just as lethal to our industry) is the
complete disregard of real recruitment efforts. Only through interior design
does this exist at all. Over the years I’ve been in hiring positions for
meaningful jobs. Early at one point, I worked for a very well known furniture
company and I advertised a very high paying sales position. I was flooded with
resumes from those same men in ties and their sons from the same showrooms I
mentioned earlier. Not one resume was from a woman. Not one from someone in
retail or a design firm or anywhere else. In hindsight, I also did a terrible
job of targeting my recruitment efforts towards a new and innovative direction.
At the time I was young, scared, and inexperienced. I hired from the safe stack
of resumes in front of me. And the list go on!
gets even worse! To even begin changing recruitment efforts we have to address
another huge core problem. It’s the investment in Research and Design. When
money goes into R&D, students and young talented women and men have
something with which (and for) to work. But that’s a whole other critical
subject. Bottom line is, the world has changed. We need a real gender, age,
cultural, and investment balance. We need new talent and new blood in our
industry and we better hurry! We’ve been behind for decades and the world is
only moving faster and faster. So, women, men, gays, straights, and green Martians, let’s go to
the core and make things happen one bite at a time. Because if we don’t our
kids will soon be sitting on their new Apple and Samsung sofas!
No Girls Allowed! (Nor anyone else for that matter!)